For Laughs: What To Do When Your Boyfriend Calls You From Jail
Well that's a conversation starter, isn't it? Sadly, I am somewhat of a reluctant expert on this topic.
FACT: every boyfriend I've ever had (except for my husband) has been to jail during my tenure of dating them.
FACT: each time was for something stupid, non-violent, and unrelated to illegal substances (e.g. street racing, suspended license, outstanding warrants, being dumb in general).
FACT: each relationship ended shortly after said jail adventure.
Now that half of you are judging me and the other half are thinking, "what in the entire hell," let me turn this all on its head and just say that these are life experiences that I wish I never had, but ones that did provide what are now some of my most unique memories - some of which I can now look back on and laugh.
Maybe you haven't experienced the sheer horror of seeing an unknown number pop up on your phone in the middle of the night (because that's when it always happens) or experienced the very real feelings associated with this kind of thing, but I have. And because I wouldn't be Meaux without providing you with a list of tips for an unfathomable and unlikely situation, here goes nothing:
Step 1: Answer the phone. Seems simple, huh? It's actually not. After a few rounds of this bullshit, you kind of know what the deal is. By the time my third offender/boyfriend made his ceremonial trip to jail, I knew the drill. Middle of the night? Check. Random unknown number? Check. Hadn't heard from him in hours? Check. Women's intuition? Check. You have to fight the urge to just let the phone ring and let him figure it out. Just pick up the phone.
Step 2: Go to bed. There are "ride or die" chicks and then there are chicks like me. If you call me from jail, I may answer the phone, but I will immediately wrap my hair, take a sleeping pill and wake up in 8 plus hours when I'm actually ready to deal with the drama. You found your way to jail, you can get the full experience in my opinion. So just sit there and enjoy your banana and oatmeal burger.
Step 3: Wake up and cry. Let's face it - this will feel like an impossible situation for many reasons. You are angry, pissed off, scared and angry all over again. Let yourself feel all the feels. Plus any hopes for a political future are now dashed, so cry about that...
Step 4: Avoid denial. Molly - this is happening, girl. Pretending that he's not in jail is a fruitless exercise. It's easy to be in denial because 1) you're a good girl; 2) you would never date someone who would go to jail; 3) you've never been in this situation before; and 4) you are a lawyer but you never intended to really use your license for this type of situation...
Step 5: Decide whether you're going to help him out or not. I just went into full on "fix it" mode...but see #7 below....
Step 6: Call one of his friends who has bail money...or a nice watch. You can do all you can to help (including leveraging your Bar Card to gain access to him just to set a judgmental eye upon his pitiful face), but why not get one of his friends to front the money or a nice shiny watch to bail him out? No sense in using your hard earned hair salon money for this mess.
Step 7: Once he's out, decide what you want to do. Maybe this is not a deal breaker for you. Maybe you really love the guy and that's your business. For me, this was a deal breaker. I knew immediately after getting the call that the relationship was over. EVERY TIME and I do mean EVERY.FREAKING.TIME once said boyfriend got out of jail, he would hit me with some variation of, "I know you're so done with me," and every time I just gave the slight non-committal smirk and planned my getaway.
So that's that! I've moved away from all of the self-pity I used to wallow in thinking that somehow this was a reflection on me. Maybe it is - hell I don't know. But one thing I do know is that if you can't find a way to laugh at your experiences, then what can you do?
Featured Photo: James Sutton