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The Dumbest Break-up I Ever Had

The Dumbest Break-up I Ever Had

Perhaps you are a part of the 5% of people who have never been broken up with. But for the other 95% of us, we have lived through the experience, for better or worse, of a break-up.

Some break-ups are gut wrenching. Others offer you a breath of fresh air.  In my case, they can even be comical. Of the two breakups that matter by boys (a purposeful word here) who attempted to break my heart, one was excruciating and the other was pure comedy.  I haven't had enough therapy to discuss the excruciating one here, so instead boys and girls, today's bedtime story is entitled: The Dumbest Breakup I Ever Had.  

After law school I was open to just about anything boys-wise. After 3 years of living in Siberia (read: Ithaca, New York), I walked away with an impressive degree (to my mother) and the hormones of a 16 year old.  I wanted a boyfriend and I wanted him NOW.  I had no standards and no expectations.

God had a sense of humor when he sent my high school sweetheart back into my life. (Side note: I have since learned that what we perceive as God can often just be the devil drunk dialing you in disguise...I'm convinced this happened to me in this situation).   Overall, he was a nice guy, treated me well, had good intentions, but it was just a bad move for so many reasons. On a scale from 1 to 10, he scored a solid "meh" in the boyfriend department...but I digress...

We got hot and heavy for a few months after I moved home.  Given that I had zero significant contact with men in law school, I fooled myself into seeing this as something that could last.  Eventually, as things do, we fizzled. And that's when it happened....

He invited me to meet him in the parking lot of Starbucks around the corner from my parents' house where I lived for a few months after school. When I got there, he began talking about our relationship, blah blah blah.  And then he said it:

"It's like this: you are a filet mignon and I'm a turkey burger."  

What the f&%!? If the "side eye" was a thing back then, I was the equivalent of Michelle Obama on Inauguration Day.  

He paused...for effect...then asked if I had anything to say. My mind was screaming, "you mother sucka! Did you bring me all the way over here for a latte and a discussion about meat? Is this even a real break-up?  How could I be with someone who could say something so utterly ridiculous? How long did it it take you to come up with this bullshit analogy?"  But my mouth simply said, "nope, I get it and I agree.  I'm going home now."  Way less dramatic than the things going on in my mind, you see, but how could I possibly react otherwise to the dumbest break-up in all of history?

I went home and told my Dad what happened.  He just looked at me and asked me what I wanted for dinner. Just like that.  Nothing else.  Later in the evening, he randomly mumbled (to himself or me...I still haven't figured out which), "if any man has that mediocre of a view of himself, then he has no business being with my daughter."  Such a Dad thing to say, but so poignant. 

And with that, it was over.  

I think about him from time to time. I even see him around town every now and then with his family. Every time I see him, not only do I get a craving for a steak, but I think, "wow, I dodged a bullet" and then I feel happy for him that he found what he was looking for.  

I share this really just to make you laugh because every time I think of it, it has that effect on me.  I don't know that there is a moral to this story or not, but I guess the takeaway is this: in a world full of turkey burgers, be a filet mignon. 

Extra Credit: How to Survive a Breakup, and How Long to Wait Between Relationships

Photo Credit: Jacob Culp

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